if only all these would last

if only all these were real

if only all troubles could be gone.

if only i dont screw up things at training

if only i dont get affected.

if only i could feel nothing.

if only i could see no expression ppl's face.

if only i am perfect

if only i am not a noob

if only i dont need encouragement

if only i dont need help

how many more "if only" do i have?

well, that depends in how strong am i. i know i'm not, and i'll never be. i just cant be strong. i dont wanna get hurt by words either. nobody wants. nobody.

if only excuses dont exist to cover up the truth. it would be much better, people wont get sad and everything.

{i hope its gonna be fine}

Its just another lie you said.

i dont know what you're hiding from me but i hope you'll decide to tell me someday. i just cant sleep. ok now you, yes you. why must you come and be nice then the next day and day after next day heck care me. h.i.s.t.o.r.y repeating. you're always like that. you told me you'll reply asap unless you're busy or you die. you're tired for a whole of 24 hours. you want, you tell me straight. straight not thru my friends. i hate it when they are involved because i dont want to fall out with them. is this just another plan to make me feel pain 100x more. prolly. you want you just tell me straight. i should believe nothing. hear nothing. feel nothing. say nothing. do nothing. this way i wont get hurt anymore. the shield must turn from paper to cardboard then to metal. it will , it will.

The good or bad times, we've been through it all.

i'm sooooo tired that i slept at 9pm last night and woke at 9.36 this morning to eat. i'm sick of seeing biased ppl(not teachers&coaches) selfish ppl too. and i'm like damnnnnnnn sick of your lies and everything. i just realised that the only person that you can count on and trust is yourself, no one else no one. i'm not angry or blaming them or smth its just that i'm disappointed in myself, no one elso. no one. i kept my silence during debrief yesterday because i'm afraid that i would actually lose control and then next thing i know, tears. i struggled to keep it in. i struggled. yes, i won, so f off tears. i still cant find the problem in me, i d k y. idky. i know i have a problem, but i dont what is it. idk. idk, and i never knew. cos i didnt bother to find it until now. i will find it. i will.

i cant believe that you are the one who build me up and tear me down like a old abandoned house.

DISAPPOINTED.

when you're hurt and dont know where to go, no one , but yourself is gonna be there to pull you up.

i dont know what you mean but i have to assume, i'm living in a world of assumption. well, i guess thats how things goes. i originally thought that 17 aug would be happy day for me. 17th august, end of common test. but things might not be the same until the very end, then only you will know. felt really disapointed. maybe i shouldnt have slept. maybe i shouldnt have spared a thought for my health and studies. maybe i should just focus on my GDI fun & friendship. what on earth was i doing? trying to earn an extra hour of sleep instead of having fun? shit you hui bing. wth are you thinking of? idk why, but i feel that you have changed. i mean changed. not change clothes or anything else. but why should i care so much? biased ppl, idc anymore. i'm too tired, lack of sleep, lack of everything except food. 18 aug was an average day, because it seems right for everything on that day. i dont feel right with my friends. i dont. i dont think i feel right with my friends too. idk why, i'm just another super loser. dont be nice to me if you're gonna heck care me after that. i guess after all, i'm still stucked in the bottom of the pit alone. no one but yourself is gonna be there to pull yourself up. had training, everywhere i went, i hit ppl. i didnt mean to, i really didnt mean to. i just feel disappointed in myself till now. i'm such a loser. i think i'm a sucker. i hope no one finds out this place. well, you might think that i'm stupid. but i'm not, i'm just another idiot that is there for many ppl. end of the day, person that gets hurt, no one, but myself. i'm not gonna say FML because i asked for all these myself. no one, but myself. i'll never be the same. i always told myself, i'm never gonna get hurt anymore, but its not true. we get hurt in a way of another. like yes, life, family, school, class, etc. 19 aug wasnt a good day either, its just another WAKE UP A LOSER DAY for me, idk why i am letting other ppl hurt me. i'm stupid, i'm never smart in all these, not even once. wth is up with me? is the shield protecting my heart paper? at first i thought the shield protecting my heart is made of metal, but now, not anymore, its actually paper with silver paint on it. no one ever knew whats my heart made of. no one. simply no one.

You wouldn't have let go if you really loved me.

I'M LAZYYYY!!

HELLO, i went for training , i thought training start at 7.50am but actually, it starts at 9am Zzzz, ok i know i'm blur. hehe, i liked today's training :) and came home, use FB, bathe, cook maggie mee<-- leeping method to cook one. , eat, use laptop, sleepz, eat, use laptop.

i washed my own clothes today :) i washed my dishes today :)

went studying at DOWNTOWN EAST, subway. with CAROL, lee ping swen, lee ping, adrian , siang fong. lee ping, adrian & siang fong was supposed to alight at downtown's stop. before they went down to alight at downtown stop, they say they are gonna stalk me, i didn't believe them HAHA. when carol and i alighted at the interchange, i was surprised to see them there, out of the bus waiting for us. they told me once again, they're gonna stalk me, LOL! ok, then they stalk me all they way home. went studying with them @ around 1++pm.

For all the lies you told me, all the cheats that you've done and all the acts, i'll forever be hurt.

HI. ok i know i'm like damn bullshit over this few days, IM GONNA CONCENTRATE ON STUDIES (Y) ok, i fell during training and my bone hurts, i think my bruise on my left wrist is gonna get worse i think. well, everything hurts, lies, lies. good one. i hope you would really turn back and feel mean and guilty someday. ok, enough of you.HAA, training was ok today. Finally, i can play front row properly, and coach said i played well today and my service is constant YEAHHOOO~! ok, lame. anyway, stop lying, feel bad for lying, cheating & pretending ok. stop lying, i know you're lying. ok, if you think pretending that nothing is happening, and you dont feel yourself getting slapped by your own righteousness, there's no way truelove will happen for you. i'm reaching the top of the pit soon, soon enough, i will be standing at the peak again. so, you just sit back and see how i am gonna enjoy the scenery around me.

my tears seep into my heart, learning to let go

hi! ok , lame. nvm. hi it has been tiring and i'm tired to keep everything and well, this is it.

i hope i'll be strong enough, just enough would be enough, i'm not gonna be greedy and ask for more strength anymore, that will only lead to nowhere. which is smth really bad, bcos it shows that you dont have any idea of what you are doing. i think i seriously dont know when to let go and when to hold on. seriously, if you feel happy lying to ppl then go on, go on. amybe someday, you would look back and say : " mann, i prolly lied too much back then. " well, you should know very well if you're lying or not. just f*** off with all your lies ok. i'm trying to get of this "haunted house" like some idiot trying to get out of a bottomless pit. nvm, i shall just wait and see, wait. WAIT, but wait till when? till the storm is over? or till the sun sets? or till i get worn out? its like seriously, what on earth am i doing or trying to do? trying to be a idiot, clinging onto smth that prolly wants me to go away? omg, i dont know, be specific pls. even a geog assignment is better than yours ok, they have 4 digit but yours is like 0 digits, how is ppl gonna know? believe your eyes, all go wrong. follow your heart, all get hurt. for what you wanna hurt yourself? its just like some fool in the middle of the road with incoming traffic waiting to get banged when you can actually make a run and well, that much better than the pain inflicted on you in your heart. end of the day, you would end up being a retarded loner. just like me, a total sucker + loser = me. i should have straightened out my thinking earlier. shitz mann. so end of the day, dont fall into a bottomless pit like me, because no one would be so stupid to fall into the pit to get you up you understand. stop acting, stop. just stop. i will pull through. i know i can. i will, i can.