people change, clouds fade, storms appear one after another.

life's been.........................so far.....i dont know what to describe it with. i just need somewhere to type out or say out...yeah i need that.
i dont want to be the asshole in which some of my classmates call me, neither do i want to be one of the dogs or spongedog. please tell me that ngee ann dont invade peopls's privacy in their confiscated ipod touch. so far, i know i can still take it but i dont know how long more i will be able to hold and take it in. i like this class. but i dont like the way the blow away all my clouds just in a day or a lesson. and i am left alone to draw my own clouds in stormy days all by myself. but thankfully, there are still some nice classmates that offered to help me to draw and colour my clouds. i really dont know how long more they can help me. i really dont know. people leave, dont they?

i need a miracle. history repeated. its not easy. this road is full of holes that will make you fall and cry. but all i have to do is to try and blur my vision so that i dont need to see anything that will make me fall and cry ever again. its not easy but im going to try. i want to become a honest person. i want to change. i need to. for the past, i am just another coward that lies just to keep friends. now i just want to change and see if my friends will stay. things dont last. do they? i know im a ugly bitch, a noisy bitch. and lousy friend and chairperson. but who would actually doubt a teacher's words? you didnt even bother to explain to me. all you said was "return me my itouch." nevermind all that. its not important now. all i want to say to you all who have deceided to kick me out of your life:

thanks for being my friend, being there for me and helping me in a way or another. and thanks for letting me know im a bitch. and a ugly and noisy one too. you all have been a great friend, classmate and schoolmate. without you guys, i'll never get to experience many things like crying in school, learning the importance of friends and many other stuffs.

im sorry. i love all of you.

hey. i have a friend i used to hate alot. and her name is karyl. i dont hate her now. i really dont. its just that sometimes, things happen and hurt me. i am not angry. but i just wna know if apologies are meant to be sincere or not. i just want to have friends. a group, a group that i dont have to try to blend in. i just want to have friends that wont hurt me. i am not saying that my friends now are. but maybe the way we think is different. karyl, a nice girl. a very nice one, friendly, out-going. i seldom talk to her but if im not ok, she's always the best listener.<3 pingswen, i might call her ahlian all the time and i tell you i dont like her but i like her. shes nice and caring.also the most unreasonable one.<3 she's one who stands up immediatley if i were to get bullied. she's nice. perlyn. the nicest and most forgiving person i've ever known. no matter how much people make her pissed, she'll still smile and say "its alright" and keep everything to herself. <3 huiwen. the optimistic and kind and cheerful one. the one who never gets bored talking about retarded stuffs with me. the one who always tell people to spike balls at her. the crazy one. <3 kahwai. from a girl who has a not very good attitude to someone, or maybe, a player who has good attitude, that everyone likes. also, she is a very guailan #11. the friend of guailan #13. carol. the dumbest woman that has ever done the dumbest thing in the world with me and thats playing.<3 wenxin. the craziest here. but we all love her because she never fails to not be the craziest one during training. cheryl-ann the quiet one. heh. nice too. and the one that always gets disappointed because i missed 39.<3 wenqi, the r4 one! random stuff and random wenqi. the random-est one. <3

hi. i've been slacking and not studying for the past few days. And common test is approaching. i guess i'm gna flunk all the papers. i will be studying with friends later. hope it will be productive.
you've changed back to your old self again, i guess thats pretty normal right? ever since you improved. oh well.....i do hope that the debrief yst helped. truthfully speaking ttm, i hate talking ttm during training. and other than that, i guess training was fine. i need to improve. i'll be in danger. damn. its not that i cannot take comments, its just that i can take comments from people who dont know why i did certain things in a certain way. stressssssssssed.

truth.

is it so hard for you to even tell me the truth?! i find it rly amazing when you can tell me a lie and i stupidly believe it. damn this world. full of LIES!!!!!! i want to kill everyone around me so i dont need to think so much! damn you people. i want to KILL YOU ALL. but i cant. damn hide and keep everytihng. stop lying lah.

is it rly hard to rmb what you said?! is it that hard?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! you dont even bother right?! nvm. i shouldnt be saying sorry.

you stop shouting at me can anot huh. you are always humilating me infront of alot of people. i tell you once i start to be independent you eat my shit. you eat my shit. i got ask you train me ah?! you throw it so low i fall and injure myself you still not happy what you want sia. i AM NOT a very forgiving person ok.

IDK IDK IDK IDK!!!!!!! why is this world so complicated?!?!!??!!?

grrh. screw all the big fat liars in this world ok. screw them.

pls stop saying things that wont even happen ok.

you. i had enough of you liao. dont shout at me again. i might just shout back at you for shouting at me so many times in public. i tell you I HAD ENOUGHT OF ALL YOUR SHIT!!!!!!!! arrgh. you think you big i scared ah huh?! sorry ah age doesnt come in here.

but the eldridge thing is rly making me doubt my way of thinking and impression.

WHO TO BELIEVE?!?!!?!?!!?!!?!?!!?!?

ha loser huibing.

just so you know this feeling is like no other.

heh. many things happened. as usual im the loser lah.
stop helping me. stop. if you dont want things to get complicated.

and i hate you. i rly hate you. idk what i can do now to relieve the stresssssssss.
i hate you at times and i dont hate you at times. idk why either.
i almost shouted at you today. lucky the 'clearer headed' side of me stopped myself form shouting at you.
its kinda hard to ignore you, stay as best buddies. its really hard. idk how i am going to do it.
but i guess i'll just have to fight the feeling inside me. Ha.....

pingswen is faking a smile. so i shld probably learn from her. heh.

jealousy kills ok, it really kills.

i cant believe how many 'yes, okay' i said to you and how many 'no no no' i said to the friend that was there everytime i was sad. i just cant believe. i need to learn how to say 'no' to you.

i guess you prolly treated a friend, that dont always say 'yes' to you like your best friend and me, friend? it really hurt me alot. and you dont know how sad i was when you refused to do smth for me.

and during training today. i felt really really sad and whatever you call it and i reallywanted to confront you and ask. ha but i dont get the courage to. the middle row really hurts me alot. k fine dont think abt it.

bused home with wenxin and shermin(?) came up the bus. . . . . . .
reached ws. sent ws to ws and then i went to the town park there to have dinner with mom and sis.
bleedy cold ok. walked home, like 2 mins?
bathed and steamed mantou to eat and here i am, blogging. or rather complaining.
erm not exactly complaining but...............spilling out? heh.
ok i gtg alr i needa pack bag and sleep. dont think so much.